increase your faith.

this semester started off very differently than i ever expected it to. after my first week of classes i started feeling a knot in my stomach. everywhere i went i felt like i was on the verge of tears. it seemed like my heart was constantly racing and i felt anxious about, everything. i was anxious about my classes, i was anxious about graduating in july, i was anxious about boys, i was anxious about my future, i was anxious about my family, i was anxious about my friends, i was anxious about whether or not it was going to snow, i was anxious about waking up in the morning, i was anxious about what i was going to eat for dinner. i literally was anxious about everything. week three got even more exciting. i started having anxiety attacks once or twice a week, which often left me hyperventilating and crying in a bathroom stall on campus. this was annoying, and a little scary, but i kept telling myself it wasn’t anything i couldn’t handle. things slowly seemed to get worse and worse from there. once in a while i’d have a day that was great and i’d think, “see, nothing to it, it’s all getting better and going away now.” but usually the very next day the anxiety would be back. then, a couple weeks after midterms, i had a really bad week. every day i had at least one anxiety attack, but most days i had 2 or more. on that friday i told my roommate sarina that i didn’t know what to do and that i was thinking maybe i should talk to the Bishop on sunday, she said that was probably a good idea. but then saturday was a good day and i decided that night that i didn’t really need to talk with my Bishop and i was just worried about nothing and i’d be fine if i would just let it pass. well, that was obviously the wrong answer because that sunday was the worst it had ever been. something was way off with me, and people could obviously tell something was wrong and kept asking me if i was okay. by the time relief society was starting i was on my third anxiety attack of the day (we have 8am church, so that’s 3 attacks by 10am) and i knew i had to talk with my Bishop. sarina had a meeting with him after church to get a new temple recommend and so i decided to stay with her and try and squeeze in an appointment. as i sat waiting while sarina was in talking with the Bishop i got extremely self-conscious about everything that had been happening and as soon as she got out i just stood up and left with her. she didn’t say anything. we got to my car and started driving home. about half way to our apartment i heard a voice in my head sweetly say, “don’t do this, don’t go home, you need me.” it was then that i finally decided that something needed to change. i needed to do something. i needed some sort of answer, any answer. i just couldn’t keep trying to live my life with so much constant anxiety. i knew that sweet voice was right. i got to our apartment and just pulled up to the front and told sarina i was going back to try and meet with the Bishop, she smiled, nodded her head a little and got out of the car. i headed back to the church. i was nervous, and thought about turning back home a couple times, but i just kept focusing on that simple thought, “you need me.” i got to the Bishops office and shortly after was in talking with the Bishop. we discussed all the different things i mentioned. we talked about the options i could have as i moved forward with my life. i cried. he gave me a lot of great advice about things, and other simple things i could try and do to help. but then, at the very end of my time talking to him, he said something that ended up being exactly what i needed to hear, and has made the most amazing difference in my life during the rest of this semester, he said, “janaya, after being your Bishop for the last couple semesters, and seeing the things you say and do, and the choices you have made, and through inspiration from the Spirit, i have no doubt in my mind that you are a woman of great faith, which may make what i am going to say to you next somewhat confusing, but i feel the answer to your anxiety is this … you need to increase your faith.” i did leave feeling a little confused, but he was right. about both things. he was right about me being a woman of faith. i do have a lot of faith, so much faith sometimes that i have definitely thought before that there was no way i could possibly have more faith. i always try to do what the Lord asks of me, go where He leads me, and strive, always, to become the woman He needs me to be.  however, he was also right about me needing to increase my faith, because i had already received answers to many of the questions causing my anxiety, the only problem was, my faith wasn’t quite big enough to believe the plans the Lord had laid out before me. it has been a slow process, and has caused me to have to look outside of the box for ways in which i can increase my faith that i wasn’t before, but it has been amazing. i have seen so many miracles begin to take place in my life. i still have a long ways to go as well, but i am leaps and bounds from where i was that day i talked with my Bishop. i will write in other blogs to come a few of the experiences i have had since then that have helped me to increase my faith, but i had to write this one for the starting point. i am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who constantly has more faith in me than i have in myself.

scripture of the day:
Ether 12:12 For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith.

today i am thankful for:
* sarina – she has listened to me cry and has been a true friend this entire semester, i don’t think i could have made it without her.
* promptings from the spirit that move us to action.
* faith.
* scriptures.
* fasting.
* temples – there is no place that i feel closer to God than in His holy house.
* kind boys in my ward who instead of asking me if i was okay just tried to distract me by being weird, random, or funny so that i could calm down instead of having more anxiety attacks.