the little drummer boy.

    there has been a music video all over facebook recently, that you may have seen. i've pretty much been obsessed with it since i first saw it. i like to listen to it about 9 times a day, sometimes more. i have always had some very specific favorite christmas songs, like darcy the dragon by roger whitaker, and born to die by bebo norman, but the little drummer boy really has never been up there with the rest for me. however, something about this version of the little drummer boy just seems to speak to my heart.
     i'm not sure i've ever spent enough time before at Christmas just pausing to think about my Savior and what He means to me. but this Christmas season i have done it a little more, and it has been amazing. i mean, here is a spirit son of God, who chose to come down to this earth for the sole purpose of living a perfect life so He could be offered up as a sacrifice for my life. He came because He knew i could not do for myself what it was He volunteered to do. He suffered. He bleed. He cried. He was left alone. He was mocked. He was persecuted. He endured. He loved. He forgave. He healed. He fulfilled the Father's plan. He died.
     there is a man, who walked this earth, who died because of me, who died for me, who died so that He could know how to succor me for doing the very things that caused Him so much suffering and pain. when i think of all these things, and of all the other innumerable and countless ways He has blessed my life, and will continue to bless my life, and how i could never possibly offer Him anything equal in return, i often think to myself, "little baby, i am a poor *girl* too, i have no gift to bring, that's fit to give my King."
     i feel entirely inadequate thinking of ways in which i can repay Him for the gifts He has blessed me with. i try to imagine elaborate displays of my devotion which I could perform, or large costly acts of service i could do to try and give back to Him what He has given to me. but at the quiet moments in my life. when i really stop to talk to Him, stop to listen to what it is from me that He wants i am reminded of these other words from the song, "i played my drum for Him, i played my best for Him, then He smiled at me, me and my drum." the Lord doesn't expect anything big. He doesn't need it. all He truly wants is for us to do our best. He wants us to do what we can. if all we are capable of doing is playing our drum, then that is all that He wants and even expects of us. and as long as we do our best, our absolute, very best, we can be assured that He will smile down at us. that He will willingly and graciously accept our meager offering and magnify our efforts for good.
     what a glorious God we have for a Father, one who gave us His son, just so that our imperfections could be made perfect and that our weaknesses could be made into strengths. i am so grateful this Christmas season to be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. to be able to remember why we should celebrate this time of year. and to understand what it is that is expected of me because of the Savior's atonement.
     i love the Lord.

scripture of the day:
Matthew 1:21 And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS: for he shall save his people from their sins.

today i am thankful for:
* uplifting music.
* a Savior.
* opportunities to grow.
* hidden strength.
* simple acts of service.
* my family.
* smiles.

increase your faith ... the job.

     i've prayed a lot about whether i should stay up in idaho for the winter semester (when i am off-track) or if i should move back to arizona. i kept feeling like i should stay here, but i was worried. i knew that i did not have the funds for this option and would not be able to pay for all the things i'd need to pay for if i were to stay here without a job. i had been putting off signing a housing contract for the winter because i was so anxious about not having a job or any sort of income.

     about a month and a half ago i went online and applied to a few jobs thinking i'd probably hear back from them close to the end of the semester, but about two weeks after that i got called in for a job interview at a local elementary school. i thought for sure that this job interview was a sure sign that i would get this job because this is where the Lord asked me to be. I was still having a hard time increasing my faith, but I thought this was a positive step. I went to the interview and left feeling like i was very qualified for the position, but also feeling like it wasn't right for me. i was torn. i knew that i could do this job, and i knew that i needed to be able to work to afford staying here in the winter, and i felt like this was probably my only option to find a job in rexburg (small college towns don't often have very many employment opportunities because everyone else seems to already have all the jobs.) yet i couldn't shake the feeling that i did not want this job, that it wasn't the best fit for me, or for the little girl i would be working with. i wasn't sure what to do. i thought about it all day after the interview. i was told at the interview that i would get a call by the next afternoon letting me know if i was offered the position or not. that evening when i got home from classes, i decided to do the only thing i could think of, i prayed. i acknowledge what an amazing blessing it would be to get this job because i could stay for the winter without worry. i thanked Heavenly Father for the opportunity to have the interview. then i told Him that i was aware that there were more factors at play then just needing a job in this situation. there was a little girl who needed the right person to help her with her schooling and with the different problems and behavioral issues that she had. i told Him that if i was the right person for this job than i would trust that He’d help me to get it, but if I wasn’t, then i had faith He would help me find another job, and that i would trust the answer i had received to stay for the winter semester no matter what. after i ended my prayer i went down to the apartment manager and signed my winter contract. i never heard back from the school about the position i interviewed for.
     i kept applying to other jobs, and looking for different leads, believing that Heavenly Father would help me find a job for the winter semester. last week i started getting pretty nervous realizing that the semester was almost over and knowing that it’s easier to find a job at the end of the semester rather than the start of another, but i still hadn’t heard back from any of the jobs i’d applied for. then, last tuesday sarina came home from work and sat down on the couch. i asked her how work was and she said, “britney quit.” (britney was kind of a flake to begin with). i asked her why and all those good inquisitory questions and we talked about it for a little while. then, at the end of our discussion she said, “so, do you wanna work where i work? i can get you an application.” to which i obviously replied, “yes”, because let us remember, i still desperately needed a job.  she asked if i was serious and i said yes and so she texted her boss and said, “hey, my roommate is interested in the job.” to which he replied, “have her fill out an application and we’ll start training her.” just like that. done and done. i had a job. i still had to fill out the application and take a drug test and all that, but i have my orientation and some training tomorrow and some training next week, all of which are paid, then they are okay with me leaving for two-ish weeks to go home for Christmas, and then i’ll come back and have two straight weeks of training and be off and running.
     i’m not sure anything has ever come so easily to me before in my life, it is definitely a miracle and has helped me to increase my faith in many ways. i am so grateful for a kind Father in Heaven who gives me answers to my questions and then helps prepare a way for me to do the things that He asks of me. His answers may not come when we want them to, or in the way we expect, but He definitely is going before us, preparing our way and guiding our paths when we ask for His help.

scripture of the day:

1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

today i am thankful for:

* blessings from my Heavenly Father.

* warmer weather.

* friends to laugh and giggle with.

* music.

* herbal tea.

increase your faith.

this semester started off very differently than i ever expected it to. after my first week of classes i started feeling a knot in my stomach. everywhere i went i felt like i was on the verge of tears. it seemed like my heart was constantly racing and i felt anxious about, everything. i was anxious about my classes, i was anxious about graduating in july, i was anxious about boys, i was anxious about my future, i was anxious about my family, i was anxious about my friends, i was anxious about whether or not it was going to snow, i was anxious about waking up in the morning, i was anxious about what i was going to eat for dinner. i literally was anxious about everything. week three got even more exciting. i started having anxiety attacks once or twice a week, which often left me hyperventilating and crying in a bathroom stall on campus. this was annoying, and a little scary, but i kept telling myself it wasn’t anything i couldn’t handle. things slowly seemed to get worse and worse from there. once in a while i’d have a day that was great and i’d think, “see, nothing to it, it’s all getting better and going away now.” but usually the very next day the anxiety would be back. then, a couple weeks after midterms, i had a really bad week. every day i had at least one anxiety attack, but most days i had 2 or more. on that friday i told my roommate sarina that i didn’t know what to do and that i was thinking maybe i should talk to the Bishop on sunday, she said that was probably a good idea. but then saturday was a good day and i decided that night that i didn’t really need to talk with my Bishop and i was just worried about nothing and i’d be fine if i would just let it pass. well, that was obviously the wrong answer because that sunday was the worst it had ever been. something was way off with me, and people could obviously tell something was wrong and kept asking me if i was okay. by the time relief society was starting i was on my third anxiety attack of the day (we have 8am church, so that’s 3 attacks by 10am) and i knew i had to talk with my Bishop. sarina had a meeting with him after church to get a new temple recommend and so i decided to stay with her and try and squeeze in an appointment. as i sat waiting while sarina was in talking with the Bishop i got extremely self-conscious about everything that had been happening and as soon as she got out i just stood up and left with her. she didn’t say anything. we got to my car and started driving home. about half way to our apartment i heard a voice in my head sweetly say, “don’t do this, don’t go home, you need me.” it was then that i finally decided that something needed to change. i needed to do something. i needed some sort of answer, any answer. i just couldn’t keep trying to live my life with so much constant anxiety. i knew that sweet voice was right. i got to our apartment and just pulled up to the front and told sarina i was going back to try and meet with the Bishop, she smiled, nodded her head a little and got out of the car. i headed back to the church. i was nervous, and thought about turning back home a couple times, but i just kept focusing on that simple thought, “you need me.” i got to the Bishops office and shortly after was in talking with the Bishop. we discussed all the different things i mentioned. we talked about the options i could have as i moved forward with my life. i cried. he gave me a lot of great advice about things, and other simple things i could try and do to help. but then, at the very end of my time talking to him, he said something that ended up being exactly what i needed to hear, and has made the most amazing difference in my life during the rest of this semester, he said, “janaya, after being your Bishop for the last couple semesters, and seeing the things you say and do, and the choices you have made, and through inspiration from the Spirit, i have no doubt in my mind that you are a woman of great faith, which may make what i am going to say to you next somewhat confusing, but i feel the answer to your anxiety is this … you need to increase your faith.” i did leave feeling a little confused, but he was right. about both things. he was right about me being a woman of faith. i do have a lot of faith, so much faith sometimes that i have definitely thought before that there was no way i could possibly have more faith. i always try to do what the Lord asks of me, go where He leads me, and strive, always, to become the woman He needs me to be.  however, he was also right about me needing to increase my faith, because i had already received answers to many of the questions causing my anxiety, the only problem was, my faith wasn’t quite big enough to believe the plans the Lord had laid out before me. it has been a slow process, and has caused me to have to look outside of the box for ways in which i can increase my faith that i wasn’t before, but it has been amazing. i have seen so many miracles begin to take place in my life. i still have a long ways to go as well, but i am leaps and bounds from where i was that day i talked with my Bishop. i will write in other blogs to come a few of the experiences i have had since then that have helped me to increase my faith, but i had to write this one for the starting point. i am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who constantly has more faith in me than i have in myself.

scripture of the day:
Ether 12:12 For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith.

today i am thankful for:
* sarina – she has listened to me cry and has been a true friend this entire semester, i don’t think i could have made it without her.
* promptings from the spirit that move us to action.
* faith.
* scriptures.
* fasting.
* temples – there is no place that i feel closer to God than in His holy house.
* kind boys in my ward who instead of asking me if i was okay just tried to distract me by being weird, random, or funny so that i could calm down instead of having more anxiety attacks.