its hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet.

so ... today was the day that i had to give up a little piece of my heart. poky the little puppy. when i first bought her, i was unsure that i could handle a puppy. i wasnt sure that it was worth the time and things that i would have to give up. such as, staying out as late as i wanted, or as long as i wanted, getting a full good nights sleep. waking up when i wanted to, not when poky needed to pee. putting her needs in front of mine like, making sure she had food before making sure id have food. making sure she could be bathed, clothed (collars and leashes), and happy. taking her to the doctor frequently, affording her medicine before buying gas, to make sure that she would be ok. it was a big change, to finally put someone (something?) before myself for the first time in my life. to put aside all of my wants to be able to take care of her needs. having to make sure i had somewhere for her to go before making plans to go on a trip. or cleaning up her little messes. those first few weeks were so overwhelming because of all of these things, and there were many times when i thought to myself, just find her a new home, it isnt worth all this work, but as i prayed about it, i knew that that was not what i was supposed to do. that i couldnt just give her up, that the easy way out was not for me. so i stuck with it, and little by little, i stopped noticing all of the things that i had to give up, and started noticing what i was getting from my poky little puppy. i started to realize all of the blessings she brought to my life, and how much the little things she did made such a difference in my day. those are the things that i miss. i miss kisses every morning to wake me up. i miss seeing her run around in circles. i miss playing with her. i miss hearing her coo like a pigeon. i miss seeing her sit on top of the couch with her nose through the blinds watching the world outside. i miss how excited she got every time i came home. i miss watching how hyper she got when new people came to "play". i miss her barking at brooms, and vacuums, and chairs, because she was afraid of them. i miss having her curl up next to me on the couch when she was tired. i miss being able to feel relief to go home because someone was there who loved me unconditionally, who would show me the love i needed even if i may not deserve it. i miss knowing that i was responsible for the happiness and well-being of something so small and otherwise helpless. i miss the ability to find happiness by just being with her, just seeing her. i miss her licking my tears away when id cry. i miss how soft she was. i miss watching her jump up onto the couch, i miss watching her miss. i miss having her come running to me when she got hurt. i miss getting smacked by her tail when she was happy. i miss her at night, when i sleep all alone. i miss watching her get ready for bed by scratching the blanket to make it soft, then crawling under it and curling up as close to me as she could. i miss feeling whole. i feel like so much of me, and my happiness left when she left. then when it came time to give her away, i found myself, instead of saying, "just find her a new home, it isnt worth all this work" saying how am i supposed to just find her a new home? just give her up? how can i let go when she means so much to me?. well, i knew that i had to give her up, if i was to do the things that i knew i needed to do, to go where the Lord needed me. so i gave her up, and although i told people, "that was so much better, easier, than i had expected" the truth is it was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. i miss her so much more than i could have ever thought possible. i want to be with her every minute of everyday. i think about her all the time. i wish my life would have gone differently, that i could keep her with me forever. i want nothing more than to have her in my life, in my house, in my arms. but, its hard not to find it all a little bitter sweet, she is doing really well where she is now. the people shes living with love her and give her that love. it also helps that i can see her when i want to and dont have to give her up completely. i cannot believe how much i grew to love her, and in the course of a little over a year. she is still my puppy, she always will be, she means so much to me, i love her more than i ever imagined possible, she has changed me in so many ways, i feel like such a better more prepared person because of her. i miss her, and i know that those nights, when i am far from home, and am feeling all alone that she is that one i will miss and want the most. (no offense to anyone else) but she just has a way of always making me feel better. i love her, my poky little puppy.

poky little puppy in the first week i bought her.

poky little puppy a few weeks before i had to give her up.

scripture of the day:

john 15: 12-13

12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

13 Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.

today i am thankful for:

* the time that i was given with my poky little puppy.

* the ability we have to be responsible for different things and people.

* music.

* the people who love me for me.

* friends that are there to help me when life gets hard.

* the love that my Heavenly Father has for me, and shows me.

<3.