this semester started off very differently than i ever
expected it to. after my first week of classes i started feeling a knot in my
stomach. everywhere i went i felt like i was on the verge of tears. it seemed
like my heart was constantly racing and i felt anxious about, everything. i was
anxious about my classes, i was anxious about graduating in july, i was anxious
about boys, i was anxious about my future, i was anxious about my family, i was
anxious about my friends, i was anxious about whether or not it was going to
snow, i was anxious about waking up in the morning, i was anxious about what i was going to eat for dinner. i literally was anxious about everything. week three got even more exciting. i started having
anxiety attacks once or twice a week, which often left me hyperventilating and
crying in a bathroom stall on campus. this was annoying, and a little scary,
but i kept telling myself it wasn’t anything i couldn’t handle. things slowly
seemed to get worse and worse from there. once in a while i’d have a day that
was great and i’d think, “see, nothing to it, it’s all getting better and going
away now.” but usually the very next day the anxiety would be back. then, a
couple weeks after midterms, i had a really bad week. every day i had at least
one anxiety attack, but most days i had 2 or more. on that friday i told my
roommate sarina that i didn’t know what to do and that i was thinking maybe i should talk to the Bishop on sunday, she said that was probably a good idea. but then saturday was a good day and i decided that night that i didn’t really
need to talk with my Bishop and i was just worried about nothing and i’d be
fine if i would just let it pass. well, that was obviously the wrong answer
because that sunday was the worst it had ever been. something was way off with
me, and people could obviously tell something was wrong and kept asking me if i was okay. by the time relief society was starting i was on my third anxiety
attack of the day (we have 8am church, so that’s 3 attacks by 10am) and i knew i had to talk with my Bishop. sarina had a meeting with him after church to get
a new temple recommend and so i decided to stay with her and try and squeeze in
an appointment. as i sat waiting while sarina was in talking with the Bishop i got extremely self-conscious about everything that had been happening and as
soon as she got out i just stood up and left with her. she didn’t say anything. we got to my car and started driving home. about half way to our apartment i heard a voice in my head sweetly say, “don’t do this, don’t go home, you need
me.” it was then that i finally decided that something needed to change. i needed to do something. i needed some sort of answer, any answer. i just
couldn’t keep trying to live my life with so much constant anxiety. i knew that
sweet voice was right. i got to our apartment and just pulled up to the front
and told sarina i was going back to try and meet with the Bishop, she smiled,
nodded her head a little and got out of the car. i headed back to the church. i was nervous, and thought about turning back home a couple times, but i just
kept focusing on that simple thought, “you need me.” i got to the Bishops
office and shortly after was in talking with the Bishop. we discussed all the
different things i mentioned. we talked about the options i could have as i moved
forward with my life. i cried. he gave me a lot of great advice about things,
and other simple things i could try and do to help. but then, at the very end
of my time talking to him, he said something that ended up being exactly what i needed to hear, and has made the most amazing difference in my life during the
rest of this semester, he said, “janaya, after being your Bishop for the last
couple semesters, and seeing the things you say and do, and the choices you
have made, and through inspiration from the Spirit, i have no doubt in my mind
that you are a woman of great faith,
which may make what i am going to say to you next somewhat confusing, but i feel the answer to your anxiety is this … you
need to increase your faith.” i did leave feeling a little confused,
but he was right. about both things. he was right about me being a woman of
faith. i do have a lot of faith, so much faith sometimes that i have definitely thought before that there was no way i could possibly have more faith. i always try to
do what the Lord asks of me, go where He leads me, and strive, always, to
become the woman He needs me to be. however, he was also right about me needing to increase my faith,
because i had already received answers to many of the questions causing my
anxiety, the only problem was, my faith wasn’t quite big enough to believe the
plans the Lord had laid out before me. it has been a slow process, and has
caused me to have to look outside of the box for ways in which i can increase my faith that i wasn’t before, but it has been amazing. i have seen so many miracles begin to
take place in my life. i still have a long ways to go as well, but i am leaps
and bounds from where i was that day i talked with my Bishop. i will write in
other blogs to come a few of the experiences i have had since then that have helped me to increase my faith, but i had to write this one for the starting
point. i am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who constantly has more faith in
me than i have in myself.
scripture of the day:
Ether 12:12 For if there be no faith among the children of men God can do no
miracle among them; wherefore, he showed not himself until after their faith.
today i am thankful for:
* sarina – she has listened to me cry and has been a true friend this entire
semester, i don’t think i could have made it without her.
* promptings from the spirit that move us to action.
* faith.
* scriptures.
* fasting.
* temples – there is no place that i feel closer to God than in His holy house.
* kind boys in my ward who instead of asking me if i was okay just tried to
distract me by being weird, random, or funny so that i could calm down instead
of having more anxiety attacks.